Saturday, November 10, 2007

My Christmas Wish List

Remember when you were little, and every year in November, you would start composing your Christmas list? You'd write the letter to Santa, and hope you'd get the one thing you wanted the most.

When we get older, we realize that Christmas is about more than getting gifts. In fact, my favorite part of Christmas is acutally giving the perfect gift. Really, the whole, "This is everything I want for Christmas" thing is pretty selfish.

Here's the thing, though: It's fun. (Being selfish usually is, I figure that's why so many people do it.) I decided to take a trip back to childhood and write my letter to Santa. I've divided my wishes into two categories.


Reasonable Wish List


Monday, October 29, 2007

The Primary Program is Over!!

Words cannot even express how relieved I am that the Primary program is finally over.

Primary is an organization for children in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Every year, the kids put on a program for Sacrament meeting. I was called to be in the presidency one month before the program.

For those of you who have never tried to organize a musical performance among fifty children ranging in age from 4 to 11 years, don't. Take my word for it. Don't get me wrong, it's great. They're all adorable (even if they're not so much in tune), and people love it. It's just that getting that many kids to do the same thing and sit still . . . well, it's a challenge.

It's possible that I'm a little biased. We finally called a teacher for the Sunbeams (4 year olds), but she got sick the day before the program, so I was in charge of them. I don't know where they get all that energy! I wish it rubbed off on me rather than sucking it out of me. It was all I could do to keep the boys from tackling each other, right there in front of the whole congregation. The girls kept waving to their moms. When it was their turn to speak, every one of them looked at me instead of the audience, and Collin, this adorable little redhead, just kept saying, "I jus' don' wemembuh it," even though I was prompting him with the words.

All of this, however, was nothing compared to the dream I had the night before. In that version, the Sunbeams kept leaping over the banister that surrounds the stand. There they were, dangling off the railing when they were supposed to be talking about having faith in Christ. I would pull them up, and there would just be another one attatched, holding onto a foot or something! And they just kept coming. Then the Primary president took me and my class out into the hall, right there in the middle of the program, and gave us a good tongue lashing. I think she may have fired me. Needless to say, the dream made me a little nervous for the real thing.

Despite all the hiccups, it really was a pretty great program. The kids did a really good job, and the songs were so pretty. There's one song in particular that I just love. It makes me cry almost every time the kids sing it. It's the song that the theme of the program is based on, "I'll Follow Him in Faith." You can listen to an mp3 version of the song here, but these are the lyrics:

The Lord has blessed me with Gospel truth
I have learned His ways in my early youth
I will share my light
For I know it's right
To testify of Him.
The Lord has blessed me with simple faith
If I pray for help He will give me strength
I will do His work
I will gladly serve
I'll follow Him in faith.
The Lord has blessed me to feel His love
I have felt His promptings and learned to trust
So in all I do
I'll be faithful to
The things I know are true.
The Lord has blessed me with many things
With a thankful heart I will sing His praise
I will raise my voice
And proclaim my choice
To follow Him in faith.
He has shown the way
And through all my days,
I'll follow Him in faith.

It's so touching to hear those little kids sing those words. I only wish they could really understand what they mean. If there is one thing that I could give them, it would be knowledge of how much difference the Gospel can make in their lives. I was talking with an old friend the other day, and she said, "I wish I could go back and do things over again. If I knew then what I know now, I would just be good." Then we thought, why wait? Why do we have to go back? Just be good now.

Well, anyway. Basically, these parents are entrusting their children to me (and several other adults) every Sunday. I'm still not sure about the whole thing. Even scarier, they gave me a key to the church.

Does this mean I'm really a grown-up now? Weird.



My very own key. What are these people thinking?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Okay, I'm a liar. These aren't stories.


I found this at The Tea Party Place, which I found blog surfing. I'll tell you how I got there.

I started at Keeping Up With the Evans. From there I went to A Little Sussy. Then I went to Mrs. Dub's Musing and Adventures. From there, I found Little Miss Sassy Pants, and it was from there that I ended up at The Tea Party Place. Blog surfing is fun! Anyway, I liked this one, so I thought I would post it here.

P.S. Laurel, from The Tea Party Place is pretty much my new hero.

5 Things I was Doing 10 Years Ago:
1. Attending 8th grade.
2. Trying to survive Junior High, with minimal success.
3. Enjoying my first nephew and looking forward to the second.
4. Wondering if I was a freak because I hadn't started my period yet (I would start later that year)
5. Thoroughly enjoying Mr. Hypio's English and Science classes.

5 Things on my To-Do List Today
1. Clean my car!
2. Take my car to the garage to see if the window can be fixed.
3. Play with Cara
4. You know, work.
5. Call Qwest.

5 Snacks I Enjoy
1. Ben and Jerry's Karmel Sutra ice cream
2. Rice crispie treats
3. Orvil Redenbacher's Tender White popcorn
4. Taco Time
5. Parmesan Goldfish

5 Things I Would Do if I Were a Billionaire
1. Travel the world for a year with Felicia (we have a route planned).
2. Buy a Roadster
3. Buy a house
4. Invest!
5. Go on a Mediterranean cruise

5 of My Bad Habits
1. Eating
2. Snapping at people I love
3. Getting cranky (are those the same?)
4. Picking at myself
5. Leaving trash in my car

5 Things I Will Never Wear Again
1. High-tops
2. Leggings (I know they're back in, but I don't like them!)
3. My jeans rolled up
4. A wetsuit
5. A long shirt tied in a knot. (Can you tell I was a child in the late 80's early 90's?)

5 Favorite Toys
1. TIVO!
2. Google Talk
3. My iPod
4. Scrabble
5. Audiobooks

5 People I Tag.
1. Jessie
2. Felicia
3. Sara
4. Jessie
5. Jessie (I only have a few friends).

Friday, October 19, 2007

Not a Story, but Great!

Check out this video: Baby Laughs And Falls Over



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Saturday, September 08, 2007

Claire's Mimsy

From Once Written's Daily Writing Spark: First line: "I'm Claire's imaginary friend."




I’m Claire’s imaginary friend. Let me tell you, this imaginary friend business really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. When you go into it, you think it’s going to be play, play, play; no one tells you about all the complaining and being dragged around everywhere. And no one tells you about the tea. If I have to drink one more cup of tea, I’m going to be sick. It will, of course, be imaginary vomit, so no one will know, but still. I’ll know. And I’ll aim right for Claire’s Mary Jane’s.

I didn’t start out this bitter. At first, I was a great imaginary friend. I followed Claire everywhere without complaint; always anxious to see where our next adventure would lead. I curtsied to strangers, not caring that they didn’t notice me. I even participated willingly in tea parties. The problem is: I’ve been doing this for twenty-one years! Oh, right – did I mention that Claire is 26 years old?

Back home, in the Land of Fable, whimsies (those are imaginary people – they aren’t really people, you know) line up around the block at Imaginary Job Placement when Imaginary Friend Recruitment Day comes. Everyone wants to be an imaginary friend. They don’t let just anyone in, either. There are rigorous tests involved. It’s a commitment, too; there are no days off, no vacation time (although there are benefits – health, dental, 401K – it’s actually a pretty good plan). The only down time comes when your human friend forgets about you for a while. This is generally considered to be an acceptable situation, since the career life of an imaginary friend is quite short: 10 years, tops. From what I hear, 21 years is the record. Actually, I’ve held the record for the last 7 years. And I thought the kid who held onto his imaginary friend through his freshman year of college was bad.

I don’t get back to Fable much anymore. There was a decade or so (from about Claire-age 12 to 24) when Claire only called upon me occasionally. When a child starts outgrowing an imaginary friend, the whimsy assigned to them goes to on-call status; and you’re always on call. Anytime your human friend decides to call you up, you go. I was on call with Claire for almost 12 years. It wasn’t so bad then; I was even managing to hold down a second job with Imaginary Mail, the post service in Fable. They understood my limitations and were willing to work around my schedule. Claire would call on me every once in a while when she was lonely or needed a sounding board. I guess it made her feel more secure.

All of a sudden, when she was 24, Claire started calling on my constantly, like she had when she was a little girl. She would complain about her job, about her apartment, about her boyfriend. She started imagining me at work with her. She would act adult and professional, but I would be perched on the counter next to her, and she would talk to me under her breath. I think this had something to do with her supervisor. Even I can admit that he wasn’t a nice guy, and whimsies are generally pretty tolerant. He belittled Claire and reprimanded her in front of her peers. It humiliated her, and the more he treated her that way, the more she pulled away from her co-workers and talked to me.

One day he pushed her too far. She managed to hold herself together until she could escape to the restroom, where she cried like a little girl. I stood next to her and stroked her hair, but of course she couldn’t feel it, as I am, after all, imaginary. That night she brought me home with her. She showed me around her apartment, pointing out her little treasures, just as she had when she was young. I was started to get concerned. Granted, there wasn’t really a handbook on 19 year imaginary relationships, but I was pretty sure this wasn’t normal.

Over the next two years, Claire kept me with her constantly. I had to quit my job at Imaginary Mail so I could spend all my time with her. Every morning we had breakfast, and then we took the subway to her office. She continued to work at the same job for the same boss, who continued to demean her. We ate lunch alone, and went home alone. She would talk to me under her breath or in her head while at work, but out loud the rest of the time. At first, she would spend time with her other human friends after wok or on weekends. Sometimes I would tag along; other times I got the night off. After a while though, Claire stopped going out with her friends. First, she just turned down invitations for after work. Then she started staying in on the weekends. Slowly, her friends stopped inviting her to do things.

I tried to talk to Claire and encourage her to do more things, but she never wanted to listen. Her jerk of a boss was slowly wearing away her self-confidence, and she always wanted to stay home. She would tell me, “No one wants to see me anyway. They don’t even call anymore.” I tried to explain that they didn’t invite her because she never accepted the invitations; I tried to point out that they did still call. She wouldn’t listen to me. I know that she knew I was right, but her low self-esteem spoke louder than her logic.

Every day, I had to go to work with Claire and listen to her boss say cruel and demeaning things to her. He had no respect for her as a person. He talked like he had no respect for her work, either, but I knew that he did. In fact, I knew that he occasionally passed Claire’s work off as his own. Claire didn’t know that, though. As far as she was concerned, nothing was ever good enough.

Claire and I often talked about how much she hated her boss and how much she would like to leave her job. I always encouraged her to quit, pointing out that there was nothing holding her back. She always came back with the same argument: She couldn’t afford to quit.

One Saturday while Claire was eating ice cream and watching Roman Holiday for the eightieth time, I snuck a look at her bank statements. I was shocked by what I saw. From Claire’s protests about not being able to afford to quit her job, I had assumed that she was barely making it month to month. The statement I saw proved otherwise. Actually, Claire was making plenty of money. She had always saved her money, but now that she was staying home all the time, she was saving even more. Claire could definitely afford to quit.

I confronted Claire about this the next day, while she was moping about it being the end of the weekend. I pointed out that she had sufficient funds to leave her job, and she yelled at me for looking through her things.

“What do you care?” I said. “I’m imaginary! Who am I going to tell?”

“That’s not the point!” she yelled back. “You invaded my privacy!”

“Oh, you’re just mad because now you don’t have an excuse.”

She slammed the door in my face. Quite rude, I thought, especially considering she was the reason I was always there.

The next day at work, her boss treated her worse than ever. He actually reduced her to tears again, something she had not allowed since that first day in the bathroom. While she hid in the same stall as before, Claire and I came to an agreement. She would seek the advice of a financial advisor, and if he concluded that she could afford to leave her job, she would split like a banana. Claire made an appointment for the next week.

A week or so later, Claire and I walked into the office of Philip D. Hartman. We were both expecting an older gentleman, and were surprised when we were met by an extremely handsome young man. He looked to be a few years older than Claire, with wavy dark hair and wire-rim glasses. He welcomed us to his office and took a minute to look over the files Claire had brought with us.

After familiarizing himself with Claire’s finances, Philip said, “Claire, I have to say, I’m very impressed with the state of your financial portfolio.”

Really? I didn’t think it was that great. I’ve just been saving, and I put a little bit in a money market account every month.”

"Actually, that’s pretty great. Most people live month to month, or are in debt. Almost no one has a money market account at your age. You’re very wise.”

"Well, thank you. The reason I made this appointment is because I’d like to quit my job, but I’m worried I can’t afford it.”

“Oh, I don’t see that being a problem,” Philip said. “You have enough to go six or seven months without a job, easily. Although, given your financial acuity and your general resourcefulness, I don’t think it will take long to find one.”

Claire blushed at his compliment. It had been so long since she had been praised that I could practically see her self-esteem swelling.

“You mean it?” Claire asked, “I can really quit?”

“Definitely. Congratulations on your pending unemployment.”

“Thank heavens!” Claire breathed. She wasn’t the only one. I was doing a happy dance. I can do things like that in public, since I’m imaginary and all. And that wasn’t even the best part of the meeting.

When Philip showed Claire out of his office, he asked her to dinner. She accepted and chatted excitedly about it all the way home. I could already tell the difference leaving her job would make.

The next day, Claire turned in her resignation, and left her boss with a few choice words regarding his management skills. I’ve never been so proud.

It’s been three months since Claire quit. She found a new job within two months and has been at her new job for three weeks. It’s a lively, positive environment, and she’s very happy there. She’s also been dating Philip for the last ten weeks. They spend an awful lot of time together.

Claire’s been talking to me less and less. There are actually weeks at a time when I don’t hear from her. I got my job at Imaginary Mail back, and I’ve told them that I’ll probably be able to work full time in another few months. I’ll miss Claire, but we’ll still be friends, I guess. It’s time for us both to move on with our lives. I’m excited to be back in Fable full time, and I know Claire will be fine without me. She has real friends now.

Monday, September 03, 2007

6 Reasons Why I Cannot Live Without The Internet

Currently, I don't have access to the World Wide Web at my home. It's driving me crazy - absolutely bonkers. Granted, I can, and do, access the Internet at work, but it's just not the same. Here are my justifications for losing my mind:

1. Inability to check Keeping Up With the Evans, Brown Cracker Barrel, A Thousand Words and Snide Remarks on a daily basis.

2. How am I supposed to check my bank account everyday? What? You mean I actually have to write it down? Preposterous.

3. Writing on one computer but posting from another is a pain in the patoot. Plus, all my inspirations come from the Internet, so how and I supposed to just get a spark and let it flow?

4. I have this overwhelming need to look up words I don't know, but I don't have a dictionary. Why would I? I've always had the Internet!

5. I also have a compulsion to look up random facts. Without the Internet, how would I ever find out that the first Taco Time restaurant was a walk-up stand on the campus of the University of Oregon (go Ducks!) in Eugene in 1960. I wouldn't. And all of our lives would be less rich.

6. If I need some information from the 'Net, I have to make a mental note (like that's effective), drive to work, and look it up there. The problem is that I never remember everything. I end up sitting in front of the computer saying, "Crap! I know there was something else. What the heck was it?" Eventually I give up, go home, and promptly remember what I wanted to know. I can't just pop open Firefox again and look it up though. Oh, no.

There are many, many more reasons, but I can't think of them on the spot like this. Stop pressuring me! Maybe I'll post them as they come to me. Well, not exactly when they come to me, because that will probably happen when I'm at home, and I don't have the Internet!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Tagged!

My fantastic and talented friend Jessie (A Thousand Words, Keeping Up With the Evans) tagged me. So here's 10 random things about myself.

1. I'm the youngest of seven children, by a ways. I'm spoiled, and I don't care.

2. I can (and often do) read a book in a single day. All day.

3. I've always wanted to have red hair, but I'm too scared to dye it. It would probably turn orange or something.

4. I love love love Jennifer Crusie. I have read everything she's every written, except for her old novels, Sizzle and The Cinderella Deal, and her brand new novel, Agnes and the Hitman. In fact, I own all her novels except those three. I wish I could write the way she does.

5. I dance and sing in my kitchen when I'm alone, often to the music in my head. And not just in the kitchen.

6. I adore birthdays. I love my birthday, and I try to make a big deal about them for other people. I mean, come on! It's a whole day just to celebrate the fact that you were born!

7. My pet peeves: People who leave their blinkers on, and people who mispronounce words. I had a roomate to said "liberry" and "fustrated." Drove me crazy.

8. I have a nasty temper and can make people cry with pure rhetoric. Luckily, it takes a lot to get me that mad.

9. I'm a total Mama's Girl. My mom is my best friend and my hero. I would be lost without her.

10. I spent four months in New Zealand, the most beautiful country in the world. Lots of green, lots of rain and lots of sheep.

There's my ten random things. Now I'm tagging Cara.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Power's Out

From http://www.creativewritingprompts.com/: Electricity is a recent discovery. Think of 12 things to do when there's no power.

1. Play Hide-and-Seek
2. Star-gaze
3. Roast marshmallows
4. Tell scary stories
5. Have a sing-along
6. Make out
7. Clean out the refrigerator
8. Eat all the ice cream
9. Play Truth-or-Dare
10. Hide in the bushes and jump out as people walk by
11. Write in your journal
12. Play with the dog

*Not necessarily in this order


Monday, August 06, 2007

Character Development

From www.creativewritingprompts.com: Open a magazine or newspaper and find 3-5 pictures of people. Then write a 300-500 word profile on each individual.

Anita

Anita is 38 years old; too young to be a widow. She was 25 when she married Philip; he was 46. She was 36 when he went for his morning run and never came home. He had a massive heart attack at 57, leaving Anita behind to bear the whispers alone.

Everyone always said she married Phil for his money. True, she enjoyed his money; she always dressed well and loved throwing lavish parties. But the guests of those parties who called her a gold digger, well, they couldn’t have been more wrong. She knew it was difficult to understand, but Anita loved Phil. It didn’t matter to her that he was 21 years older, or that he had a bald spot and a slight paunch. He was a good man, a remarkable man, and she loved him.

They met when he gave a special lecture at her college. She was young and starry-eyed, impressed with this man who had been given so much, and who made it a point to give so much back. She approached him after the lecture, to inquire about his work. He agreed to pass along some information to help her with her own studies.

They spent more and more time together, their relationship eventually evolving from student and mentor, to friendship, to love. It took seven months to convince Philip to marry her. He was convinced he was too old for her, refused to hold her back. Eventually she made him understand what with him by her side, she could go farther than she would ever be able to alone.

But she’s alone now. Phil left her enough that she doesn’t have to work, but she volunteers at the library and the children’s center she and Philip helped to create. She’s desirable – a rich young widow – and men often request the pleasure of her company. She always politely declines. She dresses well and attends parties. She shops and donates to charities. But in her quiet moments, she’s just a widow, too young, who aches for the lost husband who she loved so dearly.

George

Everyday, after coming home from his job as a buyer for Kaufmann Department Store, after taking off his suit and tie, George takes Daisy for a walk. Daisy is a floppy eared, floppy jowled St. Bernard. She’s the only woman in George’s life. He tells her that a lot, “Daisy, you’re the only woman for me.” It’s not because George can’t meet a girl; he just doesn’t want to bother with the dating scene. He had enough of that in his twenties, he tells people. If he hasn’t found anyone by know, well, he’s happy with his job and his dog.

Daisy is pretty sure this is a pile of soggy dog treats. She knows George gets lonely. Daisy knows she’s good company (she is, after all, Man’s Best Friend), but she thinks George needs a woman of his own species in his life. So Daisy keeps a big brown eye out for the perfect girl, thinking she’ll know her when she smells her.

On this day, Daisy and George are going for a walk in the park. The park is their favorite place. Daisy like it because she can bark at the ducks and watch them flap away. George likes it because the meandering paths and cozy nooks with benches where he can read his latest book.

The two reach the park, and Daisy stops to do her business (with dignity, of course. She’s a lady). They’re walking towards the pond, Daisy already anticipating the flight of the ducks, when she smells something unusual. She stops to take a closer sniff. This smells a lot like . . . the perfect women. Daisy looks around, following her nose until she spots her. She’s sitting on a bench, wearing a fluttery skirt and with her nose buried in a book.

Daisy pulls George along until they’re in front of the bench. She sits down in front of the woman, facing the ducks. The woman never looks up from her book. George barely notices her, just says, “Come on, Daisy, lets go chase the ducks.” He tugs on her leash, but Daisy just blinks at him and settles in. George continues to pull on the leash, and the woman continues to read. Annoyed, Daisy decided to take things into her own hands. She lies down, right across the reading woman’s feet.

Daisy’s bulk gets the woman’s attention. She looks down at the furry lump on her feet, up at the man straining against the leash, saying, “Daisy! No! Up! Come!” He sees her looking and says, “I’m sorry! Geez, I’m so sorry! Daisy!

The woman looks back down at the dog, which has now rolled onto her side, up against her legs, and is staring at her with adoration. She bursts into laughter, and looks back at George. “I don’t think she’s going anywhere,” she says. “I guess I don’t mind. Hi, I’m Lily.”

Right then, Daisy was sure this really was George’s perfect woman. Lily looked down at Daisy, and she could have sworn the dog winked.


Albert


In 1939, America was in the throes of the Great Depression. Millions of people had lost everything. People were living in their cars, selling everything they could, trying to survive.

In a small Midwestern town, things were mostly the same, but for one saving grace – Albert Allread. Albert was an old-fashioned man. He didn’t believe in being in debt, so he owned his land outright. He didn’t like banks, and he didn’t make much money anyway, so he kept what he had at home. He and his wife had managed to save a little money, but not much. They didn’t own a car – Albert still used a horse and wagon to get around, and still used his horse pulled plow on his fields. Most of the money he made went back into his farm, improving the land or trying new crops.

Because of his simple way of life, the stock market crash and run on the banks didn’t affect Albert the way it did his neighbors. True, things were more difficult, but he still had his land, his house, and his horse. They would get by.

Albert was known for his generosity. Many people in town had begun to give in to despair, only to find a basket of produce on their porch. Other’s received small amounts of cash, just as the electricity was about to be turned off. Albert never talked to these people, he never left his name. All the same, everyone knew who was responsible for the acts of kindness. There were few in the town that had not been touched by Albert’s generosity.

One summer night, a storm blew through the town. The citizens batted down the hatches, children squealing at the thunder and lightening. Albert and his wife were sitting by the fire in their little house when they heard a loud crack and smelled the acrid smoke. Albert went to the front porch and found his barn had been struck by lightening and was burning fast. He rushed inside and told his wife; they gathered buckets and tried to put out the flames. Neighbors arrived to help fight the fire, but to no avail. The barn burned to the ground.

After the flames had died down, one neighbor saw Albert, sitting on an overturned bucket, smoky and wet, with his head in his hands. “Albert,” the man said, “We will rebuild your barn. We will help you.”

Albert stared at the ground. “My crops,” he whispered in a hoarse voice. “My crops were in the barn. What will I sell? How will I harvest? How will I buy seeds? What will my family eat?” He looked up at his friend, tears making tracks through the grime on his face. “What will I do?”

After the neighbor had returned to his own home, he continued to ponder Albert’s situation. The man had himself been a recipient of Albert’s generous ways. He turned to his wife. “Something must be done.”

The next morning, the man sent his son to town with a message. “Albert needs help. Bring what you can.”

Later that day, as Albert and his wife sifted through the ashes of their barn, people started to arrive. Some brought seeds, some food. Others brought produce, bottled from the very gifts Albert had given them. Some brought strong backs and animals to help with the rest of the harvest. Still others brought money, and all brought words of comfort, love and support. No one brought much, for there wasn’t much to spare; but everyone brought something. There was no one in town who hadn’t been touched by Albert’s actions, either directly or through another.

By the end of the day, Albert and his family had enough supplies to sustain them until the next harvest. It would be a hard winter, but they would make it. The community Albert had continually helped had come to his rescue when he needed them.


Marianne


Marianne is a mother of two. She has a son and a daughter, both in school, and a little yellow house. She loves being a mother and feels fulfilled in her life.

Her passion, though, is gardening. She has an immaculate flower garden, with winding paths, bird baths, benches and fountains. At the edge of her flower beds is a vegetable garden, where she grows a variety of produce and herbs.

To Marianne, gardening is a metaphor for life. You plant the seed, water it, nurture it, and watch it grow. It fights its way up through layers of soil, evades weeds, reaches for the light. Eventually, it bursts into bloom, unveiling its full glory.

That’s Marianne’s philosophy for raising her children. She plants them, feeds and nurtures them, tries to keep obstacles out of their way. One day, after the struggles of youth, they will emerge in full bloom. Until that day, Marianne treasures the time she has with them.

During the summer, she teaches her children about produce and canning. She shows them how much more flavorful home grown vegetables can be; how a salad from your own garden is so much more satisfying. They can tomatoes, make pickles, can beets, peaches, and berries. In the winter months, they’ll enjoy the fruits of their labors.

Sometimes, her daughter comes outside while Marianne is working in her garden. Marianne teaches her about planting and weeding, grafting and propagating. The day her daughter asked for her own piece of dirt was one of Marianne’s happiest.

Day by day, Marianne teaches her children, cooks for them, tends her house, loves her husband. She knows it may seem like a trivial existence to some, but it is the life she’s always wanted. She watches her children grow, smiles as she watches them play. She knows that one day they will leave behind the safe haven she’s created for them, armed only with what she has taught them. Until then, she tends her garden.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Talents

I would like to take this opportunity to point out how amazingly talented my dear friend Jessie Alexis Evans is. She has a photography blog, and she recently took some pictures at a farmer's market that are INCREDIBLE.

I'm so proud.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Finally, a puppy!

I finally got a puppy! I've been wanting one for ages and ages, but I could never justify the expense. This one was free - someone was giving her away. We looked into each other's eyes, and it was fate. Her name is Sadie. I love her.



She follows me around and loves on me. She feels the need to ride on the consol part of the car, and she's kind of a chicken. She's afraid of stairs, and the shower, and when my brother started his four-wheeler while we were outside this morning, she hid behind me. She also sleeps a lot. But seriously. How could you not love this face?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

LoveNotes

I have decided to embark upon a new endeavor. I wouldn't really call it a business, because I'm not going to put that much effort into it. It's more like using something I enjoy and I'm good at to make money. Here's the plan:

I make cards. They're handmade and come in a variety of styles. I'm going to sell them as individuals or as sets. Eventually, I'm going to sell them on Ebay, but my life got busy all of a sudden, so I don't have that set up yet. That means that if you see these cards and you would like to purchase one or more, you'll just have to let me know for now. Here are some examples.








Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Just for Lea

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Marilyn

VS.


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Nicole

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Jessie's Wedding

I got to go to my friend Jessie's wedding last week, and I had so much fun! She married a great guy named Jason Evans who makes her ridiculously happy. Even her family is happy about it, which is a triumph for them. They got married in Manti, which was beautiful, even though it made me sneeze a lot (Manti, not the wedding). And they both looked amazing.

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I also caught the bouquet, which has never happened before. I think she sort of aimed for me.

And I beat her at pool. What a great weekend.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Seeing Through Society's Eyes

Living in the Valley of the Sun, as I do, I have heard a lot about Jordin Sparks. She was on the front page of the newspaper after she won American Idol. Hometown girl makes good, and all that. I'll admit, I didn't really follow this season of AI. I did, however, watch enough to be familiar with Jordin.

There has been a lot of hometown support for Jordin, from all over - TV news, radio, newspaper. So you can see why, on Wednesday morning, I was reading the "Arizona Living" section of the Arizona Republic, and I was disappointed by what I found there.

There was a feature on the front page of the section entitled "Jordin vs. Blake: Why s/he will win," written by Randy Cordova. It gave two lists of ten reasons why Jordin/Blake would win American Idol. The article itself was fine; it actually favored Jordin rather blatantly. It was a comment within the article that I found disturbing.

Number 4 on the list of why Jordin would win: "Jordin is showing America that being zaftig is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, here is a full-figured girl who has no problem going sleeveless on national TV. That confidence only makes her more attractive, not to mention a great role model."

Now, I think it's great that Mr. Cordova is pointing out a critical flaw in our society: the idolization of an unrealistic female figure. My problem with his statement is that rather than dispelling such a notion, Mr. Cordova has fed into it. See, the thing is, Jordin Sparks is hardly zaftig.

Let's take a look.

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"Full-figured?" Are you kidding me? This girl isn't "full-figured" (which, face it, is just a euphamism for FAT). She's curvy and voluptuous and exactly what a woman is supposed to look like. I would kill to have that girl's curves, I bet most women would, and I bet men find them pretty freakin' attractive. But instead of just pointing out that she's gorgeous, Mr. Cordova felt the need to refer to her as "zaftig."

Well, screw you, Mr. Cordova.

Here's the truth, as I see it. It's true that we are fighting a battle against obesity in this country. Heaven knows, I could stand to shed a few pounds. It's also true that millions of women worry about constantly worry unnecessarily about their weight because our society has developed an unhealthy image of what is "attractive."

There was a time that "full-figured" women were more considered to be more attractive than skinny women; there are cultures where that is still true today. Women are curvy for a reason. They carry more weight around the hips to protect a child that might grow inside them, and to bear that child. They are soft so that they can comfort that child when he's tired, hungry or scared. The fact is, you're not supposed to be able to see a woman's ribs.

So let's review:

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REAL WOMAN

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STARVING AND PROBABLY CRANKY WOMAN

We clear?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Around the World in Eighty Years

I love to travel. Really. I love everything about it. I love airports, and I love flying - I even love driving. I love to see new places and new people, and learn about new cultures.

I found this really cool thing: I have to give credit to my friend Felicia here, as I stole it off her MySpace page. It's a travel map, with pins and all, only virtual. I have a great Rand McNally World Map, and I've always wanted to mark all the places I want to go, but it's so pretty that I hesitate to mark on it or put holes in it. So this is perfect!!

Welcome to my travel fantasy . . . someday I'll see them all.

A Fresh Look

Jessie added me to the links on her and Jason's blog, and while I'm really flattered, I would be really embarrassed if anyone clicked over here and saw how long it's been since I've posted. Besides, I like blogging - I've just had a lot going on. So here's a short post . . . more coming soon!

Have you ever wondered what a cashew looked like in it's shell? I have. You can get pretty much any other nut in the shell, but not cashews. Come on, you know you've wondered. I'm just the only nerd who will actually look it up. So for all of you who have ever wondered, this is what a cashew looks like in the shell.



Technically, the cashew is really more of a seed that a nut. The red part is the cashew fruit. I don't know if people eat that or what. Apparently, it grows out of the flower some how. The little green curvy part at the bottom is a cashew. That's right. In the shell.

You're welcome.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Truth in Music

This is one of my favorite songs lately - I feel like it really describes my life right now, and how I feel about it. Just disregard the cigarettes part, since I don't smoke.



"Cigarettes" The Wreckers

Got my headlights shining
Down an old dirt road
Smoke my cigarettes
I should quit, I know

The radio's playing
Old country songs
Someone's leaving
Someone's cheating
On and on

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

'Cause someday maybe somebody
Will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove
'Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

See I left another
Good man tonight
I wonder if he'll miss me
Lord knows I tried

But I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong
Is put up with this bullshit for far too long

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

'Cause someday maybe somebody
Will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove
'Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

I ain't gonna sleep
I don't want to dream about
The things that I used to be
I ain't gonna cry
Don't wanna live a lie
I'm just gonna drive
Oh, oh

'Cause someday maybe somebody will love me
And someday I won't have to prove

All my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

'Cause someday maybe somebody
Will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove
Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

(Italics Added)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Idiosyncrasies of Utah

I have lived in Utah for 4 years now, and for the most part, I've been happy here. At first I loved it; I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. After a while I started seeing the little oddities that are inevitably found in a community dominated by one group of people. And now, well, sometimes I'm just freaked out.

An example of this occured today while I was reading an article in our campus newspaper, The Daily Universe (excellent issue today, by the way, my compliments to the DU staff). The article initially ran in the LA Times and can be viewed at http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/la-na-kanab24jun24,0,3479500,full.story
It discussed a resolution recently passed by the city council of Kanab, a small southern Utah town. The resolution regarded the "natural family," a term the council defined as a marriage between a man and a woman, with "hearts open to a full quiver of children." Essentially, a mom, dad, and a whole passel of kids.

Now, I'm all for marriage. In fact, I'm a huge supporter of the Marriage Protection Ammendment. I believe that marriage is something held only between a man and woman, and like the city council of Kanab, I believe that it is ordained of God. Because Kanab is largley a Mormon community, I think most residents would agree. I, however, feel that the Kanab's resolution takes this doctrine too far, and quite a few of Kanab's citizens concur.

My qualms are both moral and political. First, I believe that such a decree violates the Constitutionally required separation of church and state. Until Christ Himself sets up a theocracy, it is simply an ineffective way to govern people of many beliefs. This applies in Utah as well.

Morally, I feel that it is inappropriate to maintain that a specific type of family is superior to another, with the exeption of marriage between man and woman. There are many types of families; a childless husband and wife are no less of a family than a family with twelve children. In more and more cases, people are considering their friends to be more of a "family" than acutal blood relatives. Is this any less valid? The purpose of a family is to love, care for and support one another. When did the look of the family become more important than the purpose?

A quotation from the resolution: "We envision young women growing into wives, homemakers, and mothers; and we see young men growing into husbands, home-builders, and fathers…. We look to a landscape of family homes, lawns, and gardens busy with useful tasks and ringing with the laughter of many children." I personally have a problem with this statement in itself. In my opinion, it limits both girls and boys in their quest to become better, more educated people. It seems to imply that after the good little children graduate high school (if that is even deemed neccessary), they should marry the first member of the opposite sex they see and promptly start making babies. Good little girls grow into good little housewives and spend their days canning produce fresh from the garden, while good little boys grow up to attempt to support a family doing menial labor.

I want to emphasize here that my problem is not with housewives, menial labor or having children. My issue stems from the effect the mindset of the council members of Kanab has of squashing potential in their youngsters. The mayor of Kanab, Kim Lawson, sadly makes a perfect example.

A 17-year-old-intern at the Southern Utah News wrote a coloumn expressing disapproval of the city council, and especially of the mayor. The mayor, rather than allowing the young man to state his opinion, or even rebutting in a open-minded manner, called on the young man's teachers and religious leaders to bring him back in line. In my opinion, such a bold young man should be commended for his attention, thoughtfullness and courage in addressing such a controverisal issue, or in having an opinion on it at all!

Even worse, when the Southern Utah News editor, Dixie Brunner, defended the young man and continued to publish letters on the subject, some citizens started their own newspaper to counter Brunner's, saying it was a saucy liberal rag.

I'm sorry, but I don't think there is a liberal rag in the entire state of Utah, much less a saucy one.

It is this uber-conservatism and ultra-old-fashionness that most bothers me. One shopkeeper says she is hesitant to burn incense for fear she will be shunned as "New Agey." Local ranchers are suspicious of the "dog lovers" who work at the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary (Heaven forbid people should care about domestic animals). When a group of newcomers came out against the resolution, a 78-year citizen of Kanab submitted this to the newspaper: "Maybe (just maybe) when you have lived here even a fraction of that time, perhaps you will have earned the right to call Kanab 'your' community. That hasn't happened yet." This statement is frightening in it's exclusion and distain. It seems that some citizens in Kanab take their conservatism a bit too far. Many conservatives believe that fanatisms comes only from the left, but clearly the right can breed radicals as well.

This ultra-conservatism, the close-mindedness, the inablity of some to respect the opinions and lifestyles of others, and the occasional distain for those who voice an opinion outside of the mainstream are some of the reasons I have grown wary of living in Utah. Don't get me wrong, Utah isn't a bad place, and the people aren't bad people. Occasionally, they're just a little odd.

Dixie Brunner, editor of the Southern Utah News said, "They are good people here, and that's all there is to it. But sometimes, I pull my hair out."

I hear ya, Ms. Brunner. I hear ya.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Feminism and Liberalism

Okay, that's it. This blog has become far too depressing, not to mention neglected. I'll try to do better.

I consider myself a feminist, and that's something I'm proud of. I think that a lot of women are afraid of the word "feminist," thinking that it somehow entails being a man-hating bitch. I disagree. The root of feminism is merely asserting that women are of equal worth as men. Feminism does not inherently promote absolute equality, as in interchangibility, among men and women. It promotes equality, as in being equals in worth and ability.

My mother taught me that I can do anything. She taught me to be a strong, independant, capable woman, and for that I will always love and cherish her. I remember her telling me to "be a real woman." She never implied that I was weak, but instead used the phrase as a reminder that I was capable of so much more than society told me I was. Her mother taught her these things, and she passed them down to my sisters and I, and I, for one, will pass them down to my daughters.

Before I continue any further, I feel that I need to make a disclaimer. Many people claim that the Mormon church is wrought with sexual discrimination and oppression towards women. That is simply not the case! In fact, doctrine of the LDS church asserts that women are an integral part of God's plan for mankind, and that a man is not complete without a woman, nor a woman without a man. God meant for us to be partners, not competitors. In addition, Utah was the second state in the Union to grant sufferage to women. Why, those sexist bastards.

Having said that, I often feel that the culture (note: culture, not doctrine) of LDS society persists in oppressing women. Women are so closely pigeonholed into the role of wife and mother (a noble role) that women who do not marry young, or chose not to have children in the first year of marriage, are almost looked down upon. "What?" The faces of judgemental members seem to say, "You want to have a career? Don't you know a woman belongs in the home?" While I fully believe that one of the greatest honors of womanhood is the opportunity to raise children into successful adults, I also feel that no woman should be discouraged from reaching for her dreams.

I believe that God wishes woman to grow to their full potential as much as he wants men to. It seems that President Gordon B. Hinckley agrees. In an interview with President Hinckley and his wife, Marjorie in 1998, Sister Hinckley was quoted as saying, "He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly." In response, President Hinckley stated, "I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does." What is that but a vote of confidence in the innate strength and capabilities of women?

As I have made my views of feminism clear, I now turn to the views I recently came across in a blog entitled "Feminist Mormon Housewives." I respect these women for making a statement and developing a place where they can share their opinions. Even more, I respect the men who support them with open-minds rather than being intimidated or threatened.

I was thrilled to find this blog, as I saw it as a place where I could express my opinions without incurring the wrath of pretentious Mormon zealots. Or, I could at least read the opinions of others and find comfort in the fact that I am not alone in my feminism. As I read the blog, however, I found it to be littered with blatantly liberal statements. Not that I'm against liberalism. I think one of the wonderful things about our country is that people are free to believe as they would. The thing is, I'm not liberal. Not really at all. I'm more liberal than my parents, but please, Charleton Heston is probably more liberal than my parents. I my heart, though, I'm conservative. I'm against abortion. I'm pretty much okay with guns, to an extent. I like George W. Bush, although I don't agree with all of his policies.

As I continued reading and continued to find blatant anti-Bush comments (such as "I’ve even considered taking down the US flag that hangs on the wall in my garage because I don’t want people getting the wrong idea about my beliefs . Just last week a neighbor complimented me on it and I had to suppress the urge to clarify that I was certainly not making any kinda pro-war pro-Bush conservative (shiver) kinda statement"), I felt more and more uncomfortable. Instead of finding a place where I could share my opinions on one topic, I felt that my opinions on other topics would be shunned.

This led me to an interesting question. Do I have to be liberal to be a feminist? Is there some strange dichotomy between feminism and convervatism? Are they mutually exclusive? I don't believe they are, and yet, I think the lovely women over at FMH may disagree.


Saturday, April 22, 2006

Emptiness feels like a virus

I’m lying in bed, thinking, like I’ve done so many nights lately. I just watched a movie, and for some reason they always bring my emotions to the surface.

I’ve overcome so much this semester – just being able to say that shows how far I’ve come. I was drowning in that bottomless pit of hopelessness, and I managed to fight my way back. I say fight because that’s what it was every step of the way. I’m not saying I did it alone, I’ve been so blessed to have so much help to deal with my problems. When I was going through it, I felt like I was leaning on everyone, and floundering rather than fighting. But now I can see that what I did, what I have done before is a great achievement and something to be proud of. I’m still so surprised that I made it, that I really did overcome . . . still, things aren’t quite right.

Emotionally, I feel like myself again. The feelings of going crazy, of worthlessness, of general irrationality are gone. Yet, I find myself thinking, “How am I going to survive this?” Only now the “this” isn’t unbearable depression, it’s the overwhelming loneliness that I feel so often lately. I feel like there is part of me missing, so empty.

I’m a people person. I always have been. I love my family and friends with ferocity and loyalty that often surprises people, even myself occasionally. I don’t think I’m made to be alone. Throughout my childhood, I struggled with the juxtaposing ideas I was faced with. One came from my family, whom I adore and respect. It was the idea that we should be independent and happy without people. My mom always said, “It’s nice to have people around, but you shouldn’t need them.” I never quite understood this principle, because it so opposed my nature; the part of me saying, “That’s ridiculous, everyone needs people.”

In reality, it’s still something I contemplate occasionally, especially at times like this. I firmly believe that people need other people, and that we aren’t meant to be alone. We’re gregarious animals, such as is found so often in nature. Like sheep, cattle, horses, birds – we belong in flocks and herds. I guess the human version is family. Still, no matter how firmly I believe this, when my heart aches with loneliness, I can’t help but wonder if it’s a sign of weakness. If only I were stronger, would I be able to live my life independently, without so much pain?

I wonder, but only fleetingly. In my soul, I know that “it is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) I know there is no weakness in sharing life with other people. There is a country song by Garth Brooks called “Standing Inside the Fire.” It’s about the people who stand on the outskirts of the life, watching because they are afraid of risk. The second verse talks about those who battle the fire and walk the wire; those who are convinced that without risk, there is no purpose. One line says, “Life is not tried, it is only survived, if you’re standing outside the fire.” Being strong and independent enough to not need people may prevent pain, but it also prevents joy.

So I can’t help but wonder now, when will I find my help meet? Where is the one I’m meant to share my life with, and how long must I endure this loneliness? And most of all, how will I bear it? The emptiness seems to grow stronger each day, and sometimes I fear that it will encompass me, leaving only bitterness. I know who I am. I don’t need anyone to provide me with an identity. I need a partner, a friend, someone to laugh and cry and love with. How much longer must I endure?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

A Change of Plan

Life doesn't always go according to plan. This is a tidbit of wisdom that I have gathered over the last few years. In fact, life rarely goes according to plan. I don't know why that is, I just know it's true. Sometimes the things that are most important to us are the things that we have the least control over
It can be anything; this change. Maybe you were convinced you would fall desperatly in love in college and life would be perfect. Instead, you have a degree, but have yet to find any men of consequence. Or maybe someone you loved and lost returned to your life years later. That's the thing - these changes in plan aren't always for the worst.
Plans aren't the only things that change. It has often been said that people can't change. Let me tell you a secret: that's not true. It's an excuse for all the people in the world who don't want to change. But people do change, and it can be a beautiful thing. A father who struggles to be supportive can become a tender and loving parent. I swear it can happen. I've seen it.
I know why we make plans. We are afraid of the unknown - the "what ifs" can drive a person mad. I don't know why life doesn't go according to those plans. But I do know that life has a way of workings itself out for the best. The key is to find joy in the unknown.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Knights and Damsels



In the days of fairies, socercy and the basic fight against good and evil, things were more simple. The damsel, hidden away in her tower, bound by magic and guarded by a dragon, would await the knight in shining armor that destiny required would rescue her. She whiled away her hours, doing whatever is it that damsels do, and dreamed of her rescuer, and her freedom. This is not to say that the damsel is helpless. The phrase is "damsel in distress," not "hopelessly helpless damsel." She probably fought tooth and nail against going up in that tower. There was probably some shin-kicking, sratching, and definitly some name-calling. The bad guy probably came out of that struggle with some battle wounds. But there are some things that a damsel, no matter how fierce, just can't stand against. Maybe he threatened the people she loved. Maybe he bribed her with chocolate and accesories. Whatever happened, the damsel ended up stuck in some stupid tower, awaiting rescue from a hero that would inevitably show up.
And rescue would come. It may have come in the form of a knight in shining armor who slew the dragon with one fierce blow and managed not to get a drop of blood on his armor; or a peasant who outwitted the dragon and fought his way, tooth and nail to get to the woman who needed him. Whomever the savior, he needed no encouragement to save the damsel. He thought not of the dangers, the risk of failure. He only needed to know that there was a damsel who needed him, and he knew that saving her would be worth the risk. And in the end, love conquored all.

Today, in the days of business deals, politics and trans-atlantic flights, things seem so different. There are no towers in which to hide away innocent maidens. There is no evil socerer who simply wants to deprive others from happiness. No spells are cast. Perhaps the lore of the damsel and her knight have been cast aside; but they have not been forgotten. The desire to be rescued and protected lies in every woman - the desire to rescue lies in every man. The setting has just changed.
There is no socerer to cast the damsel into her tower. She either builds it for herself, or life builds it for her. Fear of failure, broken hearts, female competition - it all builds around her, brick by brick. She's a competant woman, she can get a degree, have a career, make a five-year-plan, but she can't completely control the world around her; she can't control others. And so, unwittingly, she locks the deepest, most sincere parts of herself into a fortress, guarded not by a dragon but by cynism. And she waits. Day by day, she pushes aside the loneliness, goes about her life, and waits for her knight.
The difference between the knights of old and the men of today may seem simple. It seems that the knights were invincible. But just because you never hear the stories about when the dragon ripped the knight's entrails out, it doesn't mean that it never happened. In fact, the difference is simple. The knights were simply willing to take the risk.
Granted, the men of today fight a different battle. Knights fought dragons controlled by socercy; the modern man faces a fortress of the damsel's own design. She knows it's weaknesses, surely, but she will not reveal them until the knight has proven worthy. It's a fierce battle, one with many casualties. Understandably, the men of today question whether the risk of this quest is worth the reward. What if the damsel turns out to be a real shrew?
And so the damsel waits, fierce on the outside, but trapped on the inside. She waits for her knight in shining armor, her peasant boy, the one man who can break through her cynicism and unlock her prison. Take pity on the modern men of this world. For unlike the knights, there is no map to lead the way, no years of training. There is simply the hope that the reward is worth the risk; assurance that true love still conquors all.

Finding Peace

It's almost two in the morning. I can't sleep. I'm tired, but not sleepy. I think there is something wrong with my mind. I feel this panic, a need to get away, but where to go? I hope to find peace in my empty apartment, but it's not there. I hope for it alone in my car, enjoying the rythmn of driving, but it's not their either. I look for it in the outdoors, in fresh air and sunlight - I've always found it there before. But this time, it's not there. I know in the logical side of my mind that I can get through this, that it's nothing I haven't dealt with before. But in my heart, I feel like it's different. Where all my illogical feelings are built up, I feel like this is the time I won't be able to handle it, that this is the time I really will go crazy. I think of all the place were I could feel safe, and it's always with the peope I love. Anywhere would be safe if I was snuggling with my mom. If anyone can save me from insanity, it's her. She has before. She saved my life. And now she's so far away. If I was with Best Friend, staying up too late and sleeping in all day, things would be right again. Therein, I believe, lies the key; the reason that this time is different. The sun came out, and the gloom dissapaited. But when I stop working, going to class, pretending like everything is okay, the lonliness descends like a cloud. The worst part about this time is that it IS real. There is a reason for the ache deep inside that it feels as if my soul is weeping and my heart is ripping open. Heartache. They should tell you that it's not just a metaphor. It really aches. The worst part? Not that it's real, but that there is nothing I can do to change it. I can't bring my family closer. I can't go see a movie with my best friend. I can't develop a trusting, tell-each-other-anything-unconditional-support-and-love in the next week. Or in the next month, for that matter. Worse, the one person I thought I could depend on, I can't. I don't know what happened, I don't know if it was somehow my fault. I just know it's not there anymore. It vanished so quickly - maybe I've been fooling myself all along. There was a reason I didn't want to call him by his full name. It's Frasier all over again.

I'm moving in six months. Six months - not long enough to establish a real relationship, and then I leave to a place where I know no one. How long is this desolate loneliness meant to last? These times, they challege my deepest and most powerful beliefs. "Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace? Where, in my need to know; where can I run? He answers privately, reaches my reaching. Who, who can understand? He, only One." Yet, in my darkest hours, when I most yearn for peace, when my reaching is greatest, I don't feel Him reaching back. I can recite the right answers, I can listen to pithy comments on faith from others, but the fact remains - I "know" the answers, but I'm not sure I believe them. "Faith precedes the miracle." What if my faith isn't sufficient. And that, that is my greatest fear. That in my anguish, the faith that I have based my life on will prove false. Perhaps peace can only be found within ourselves. Perhaps peace comes from having faith. And yet, no matter how I yearn for it, peace exceeds my grasp, and the ache remains.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

My mom thinks this whole blog thing is ridiculous. She says it's like having a diary that the whole world can read. I tried to explain to her that you didn't write personal stuff in it, but she doesn't get it. I guess I don't really get it either. Good thing nobody reads my blog, because this might be one depressing entry. I think the thing that I like about blogging is that it is kind of like writing in a diary that anyone can read. The typing is calming, and I like the idea of sending my thoughts out into the universe, hoping that there might be answers somewhere.

Today was a sad day. I don't know why. I went the the Sundance Film Festival in Park City last night and had a ball. I went with The Writer and her two friends. It was fun, and I had a great time. But then I woke up this morning, and I didn't want to get out of bed. When I did get out of bed, I didn't want to shower, then I didn't want to do homework, and eventually I went back to bed for a couple hours (actually, that was an accident, I attempted to read a textbook). It's so strange - not a depressed feeling, like I'll never be happy again, it's just more of a not happy feeling. Like something is missing in my life. Maybe something is.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm lonely, although sometimes I'm not sure for what. Sure, it's not like I have a possy, but I've got a lot of friends, and a lot of people who love me. I have The Writer, The Best Friend, The VT, The Alaskan, The American One. Not to mention my Family, Mom, Dad, The Sisters and Brothers. I'm not even unhappy with the state of my life. I just feel like something's missing. Maybe it's because things haven't been so great between me and The American One lately. I think he's been avoiding me, and that hurts, even though I've decided I don't want to date him. We had a little tiff last week because I stated disappointment with The Old Friends, who are still his friends. It's part of why I've decided that I don't really want to be with him. It's not that he doesn't think the way I do about The Old Friends, it's that when I said how I feel, he talked to me like I was an uber-sensitive, irrational female, and it pissed me off. I think the worst part though, is that I think that's really how he feels about me. I can't be with someone who sees me like that. Partly the whole avoidance thing hurts because I told him not to do this, I told him that if there was something wrong to just come talk to me. I guess it's not meant to be though. The American One, is a guy, after all.

Sometime I'll tell the story about the people in my life, The Current Friends, and The Old Friends. It's an interesting story.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Some things are everpresent



I've been noticing increasingly lately that life never seems to hold still. There are those few glorious moments that you want to hold onto forever, to live the rest of your days in. But it never quite works like that, does it? Too soon those moments pass, and we're thrust into the moments that we must endure to get to the treasured ones.

Was it FDR that said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself"? It makes me wonder if he was ever afraid of anything. Lately it seems that I'm afraid of everything. I hate the near overwhelming fear - it makes me feel weak. Those who love me tell me I'm brave and strong, but it's hard to believe at times like this. I hate not knowing where my life is headed.

On to more interesting topics. Am I the only one who's love life seems to be a constant display of irony? For a while, I enjoyed a lack of love life, which really just translates to a lack of interest. Now it seems that I'm bombarded with unwanted events. In order to really explain, I guess I'll have to introduce you to the two of them: The American One, who I want so much it confuses me, but who shows annoyingly little interest in wanting me back; and The German One, who started out as a pen pal and now has evolved into more of a . . . situation.

The German One and I "met" through a mutal friend who spent some time in Germany. When The German One wanted to email me, I thought, "What the heck? He's in Germany." Oh, how little I knew. He's still in Germany, but is now convinced that I'm the greatest girl in the world. He's such a nice guy, I hate to tell him otherwise. He sent me a Christmas package. Strategically placed on top was a red plush heart with "I love you" written on it. And he doesn't even know me!

On the other hand, The American One knows me better than most and still shows no interest. I try not to take it personally, but I'll admit it's frustrating. The German One hasn't even met me and realizes how amazing I am. The American One has me right in front of him and fails to see me. Oh, the ironies of love!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Stupid People Who Think They Are Smart.

I heard a great thing on Fox News this morning. Yes, I know it's a Saturday morning and there is nothing more dorky than watching Fox News on a Saturday morning. In my defense, conservative talk and television shows, including but not limited to Rush Limbaugh and The O'Reilly Factor, seems to be omnipresent in my parent's house. But I digress.

Back to what I heard this morning. I was making waffles and listening to the news with one ear, because I find it somewhat interesting. They were debating the placement of Sam Alito as a supreme court justice. Actually, the topic was, "How will Sam Alito effect the stock market?" This seemed a little ridiculous in and of itself, but then one of the guests said something that blew my mind.

"Anyone who is so pro-life clearly has no respect for basic property rights."

My response to that? WHAT THE HELL?!?!? You've got to be kidding me. Now, I'm generally a pretty tolerant person. I strongly believe that all people have the right to believe how they choose and have their own opinion. But this is crossing the line. Where does this guy get off correlating being anti-abortion to having no respect for property rights?

I understand how he could make such a statement sound logical. Theoretically, a woman's body is her property, and she should have the right to do what she wishes with it. This is simply a case of how something that is completely wrong can be twisted to sound okay. Okay, maybe a woman's body is her property. So let her get tattoos and piercings and sexually transmitted diseases. I don't care. But when it comes to another human life, I DO care. You wouldn't hear this sort of argument to support drunk driving. I mean, hey, the drunk person's body is his or her property, as is they vehicle. Why shouldn't they drive? Maybe being firmly against drunk driving makes me loose all respect for property rights.

Of course this position is ridiculous, and the shmuck who was on Money Matters on Fox News this morning would be sure to agree. "It's different," he would say. "Drunk driving is illegal because it protects other people; the people on the road who can't protect themselves." And I would say, "Aha! That is exactly my point." One of the first political ideals that I was ever taught in school was that sometimes we have to give up some of our rights in order to protect ourselves and others.

Being pro-life isn't about refusing to recognize a woman's "basic property rights," just like banning drunk driving isn't. It's about protecting people who can't protect themselves. In the case of drunk driving, it's protecting the mother who is running the pharmacy for more cough syrup and doesn't know a drunk driver is speeding her way. In the case of abortion, it's about protecting the life of a child who deserves the chance to live, regardless of the mistakes of it's parents. It's not about basic property rights, it's about life.

If you want to talk about respect for basic property rights, Mr. Money Matters Man, let's talk about imminent domain and see how you feel about that. But that's a different topic.